I used to be incredibly good at blogging. I used to be faithful at writing out my journey and the happenings with my family. I found it therapeutic and enjoyable. I am so grateful that I did! As I look back on those posts, it brings memories back to life that I had completely forgotten about.
About 7 years ago, I went from journaling faithfully, to sporadic, to virtually non-existent in a very short time frame. I had several well intentioned, but failed attempts at trying to get back on the proverbial horse when it came to writing. There was a hole in my soul where journaling had once existed.
Alas, try as I might, I just couldn’t get myself to produce my thoughts in writing. I would write lists of things that I could talk about. I would look through writing prompts to gain inspiration. I would have a moment of brilliance that I wanted to write document. However, try as I might, every time I sat down at my keyboard, it all just stopped.
I knew what I wanted to say. I would have it beautifully laid out in my mind. I knew the fancy words that I wanted to incorporate. I had metaphors and examples that would paint an incredibly enticing visual painting. It was to be a dazzling read for anyone.
Somewhere between my brain and my fingertips, something had broken. I couldn’t…. I just couldn’t. I would type a title or a few sentences, only to trail off into an abyss of “what if.” My incredible story fell victim to doubt, frustration, insecurity and fear. I had a
Then, a few weeks ago, it happened… a crack. The hard, solid shell that had been holding me back developed a teeny tiny crack. It was a very precise moment, an epiphany, a moment of clarity and self-realization. Over the upcoming weeks, that crack grew and expanded as I continued to open myself to vulnerability and self evaluation. As this process was unfolding, my soul began to unlock itself.
The more I learned, the stronger I felt. I began to recognize the insecurities that had held me back from writing. Once that process started, I was able to start an action plan on pushing through them, and moving forward. I believe that it is a process of owning who I am and what has transpired to make me that person. It is acknowledging my weakness, my mistakes and my errors, that are so much more apparent in hind sight. It is moving past the betrayal, toxicity and shame that others have accosted me with. I am not perfect, but I can own it, proudly.
So, with that in mind, I am boldly going forth with my life, and my story. I am going to start where I am and celebrate the life I have. I am going to tell stories of the past, to fill in gaps, help with understanding and own what is mine. I am going to look forward to the person that I am actively trying to be. I am a confident woman, who has experienced a great deal of life, and is on a journey or strength, courage and happiness.