It’s late and I should be in bed, but I can’t seem to get sleepy. So, I am going to talk about something that is on my mind.
I like to think that I am a good mom. I like to think that I try to do the best that I can. I also can tell in all honesty, that I fall short. All the time. It is really starting to get on my nerves.
I could blame it on a lot of things. I do actually. Quite frequently. I have expressed my feelings to a few of my very close friends and they all say the same thing. “You are going through a stressful time and things will get better.” Well, ok. Yes, someday they will get better, but what happens to now. I want to be a good mom now. I feel like my plate is way overcrowded as it is and that I just can’t figure out how to do it all… or any of it for that matter.
I sat at the awards assembly at the school the other day. I watched all of my friends children get up and receive all sorts of awards. Perfect attendance (my kiddos have missed 10+ days due to illness and have 5+ tardies because I can’t get us all out the door without someone forgetting something!) leadership awards, honor roll, school excellence, awards all over the place. Now, middle child got an award for honor roll. He deserved it. He has quite the set of challenges in his life.
However, I sat there and watched all of my daughter’s friends get up and receive awards while she sat and watched too. Lucky for her, she didn’t really notice or care. She is so happy go lucky that life just bounces off of her like sunshine. However, I just had a pit in my stomach. What if I had been better. What if I had studied more with her. What if I had gone into her class more. What if I had……
Now, I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t care about the awards per say. I am just upset thinking that if I had done more of my part, she wouldn’t struggle in some of the areas that she does. I know those other mothers do half of the work for their kids.
I went home that night and made all sorts of excuses for myself. It is hard to have a terrible three year old. Really, twos are a piece of cake here. I have an autistic son who has more issues than I care to list at this moment. I am nearing the two year mark on my divorce. I am living in a house that is too big for me, on a lot that is too big for me, and the whole thing is in disrepair. I have a demanding family. I am notorious for over-committing. I am living on next to nothing in the dinero department, but I make it work. I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot with not being able to go back to work yet needing to figure out a way to make financial ends meet. That is only the beginning of the list.
I guess that part of me just wonders how I can snap it into gear to help my little ones. I want to help them so that they can be better at things that matter. I want to be able to do it all… or at least part. I need to figure that out 🙂