Today I was asked some questions about my blog. It was an interesting question that I have considered to myself, but being posed that question by another person made me think harder about that decision.  I was posed the question as to why I write the blog and why I chose to take it public.  What was my purpose and motivation behind it?  Why did I feel the need to put my life out there for others to see.

It hit me harder than I had expected.  I spent the good part of last night thinking over my choice.  My pondering was not attempt to justify my choice, as I am confident with my decision to follow through and put my thoughts out there, but rather to find out what my true intentions are.  Am I seeking validation?  Is this an attempt at seeking out attention?  Is it a place for vindication or venting?  What ARE my intentions?  With the question asked bluntly and rather unexpectedly, it made me have a moment of rather deep introspection.

In retrospect, I didn’t answer the question in the best way possible.  I simply said, that I had a story to tell and I wasn’t afraid to tell it and wanted to finally get back to where I used to be.  Although that answer isn’t a false one, it certainly isn’t a complete answer.

When I first started to discover blogs, I found a myriad of different writing genres. I found people that were photographers and captured life with a sense and told a story.  I found cute family blogs that chronicled the daily events and happenings.  I found friends that had deeply rooted religious or political views and used their blogs as a forum to air their perspectives.  I found crafters, artists, and teachers of all kinds that displayed their talents and ideas per this media display.  However, as I continued my search I found that the ones that hit me most profoundly were those that were life bloggers.  They talked of all aspects of their lives, good and bad.  They spoke of their triumphs and failures.  They shared their ideas and their creations.  I found myself drawn to read their stories and found a kinship to them through their life travels. I saw what made people discouraged and what made them strong.  I saw stories life events that made good people great.

I am not vain enough to think that my life or writing is nearly of this caliber, but I do like the thought behind the concept of being real and owning what you do.

Lil Blue Boo is one of the first blogs that I found.  Ashley Hackshaw is an amazingly talented multifaceted artist.  She designs clothing and patterns.  She creates beautiful art and shares her talent and her methods with all those who listen.  I found her blog after buying one of her amazing patterns.  She deconstructs clothing and turns them into beautiful new garments.  They are by far my favorite patterns.

Ashley has had quite the life.  She chronicles it in her blog.  Not only does she share her art and her tutorials, she shares her life.  She talks of her struggle with infertility.  She talks of a miscarriage that in an extremely rare turn of events led to her developing cancer, having to have a hysterectomy and going through radiation and chemotherapy.  She talks of selling nearly everything she owned and moving her small family across the country to live in a small Eastern town on the property of a BnB.   She talks of her amazing father passing away on an airplane and the life that he lived.  Her blog has been source of strength to me and I find myself feeling uplifted through her trials.

The Moments We Stand is a blog that has touched so many lives.  This is the story of a woman in Idaho.  One night she got a knock at the door, to receive news that her husband had not only been shot and killed, but also by the husband of the woman with whom he was having an affair.   I can only imagine the intense swirl of emotion that was endured over that moment, and the ones to come.  Ashley Corrigan Birk was faced with a challenge that I can not even attempt to fathom and has come out victoriously and triumphantly.  If she can do that, I can get past my little trials.

Kelle Hampton is the author of the amazing book, “Bloom.”  Hers is a story of a feisty, trendy and absolutely adorable mother expecting her second child. She was already the mother of a beautiful daughter and was thrilled to give birth to her second.  When her second baby, Nella, was born, she knew something was wrong, but it took testing to find out exactly what.  As fate would have it, Nella was unexpectedly born with Down’s Syndrome.  Kelle is raw and honest with her feelings.  She talks of wanting to run away.  She talks of her fear of loving this child.  Her honesty still makes me tear up.  Of course that feeling was short lived, but she was honest.  Brutally honest.  Refreshingly Honest.

Julie Toone has endured more than most people can imagine.  At 26 she had three little boys and was married to the love of her life.  She got a knock at the door one night, her husband had been killed in an accident at work.  The next day, she took a pregnancy test, only to find out that baby number 4 was on its way.  She remarried two years later to a man with 4 sons, doubling the size of her family.  She struggled with loving both husbands and feeling that she was cheating on one with the other.  She soon gave birth to another son, later to be diagnosed with autism.  A few years later, gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  A widow, married into a blended family, then adding on two more children in addition… WOW!

This is just a small sampling of people’s lives that I have gained strength from.  I have never met them.  I just know that their stories have blessed so many lives.  I love that they own their stories.  They are raw.  I am not that brave, but I want to be.

So, what is MY purpose?  I haven’t been through trials like these women have endured, but I do have my own stories.  I have stated time and time and time again, that I struggle with balance in my life.  I find that my little multi dimensional life is broken down into four main areas that need my concentration:  My children, managing my home, making a living and providing for my family and taking care of myself and my needs.  I have really struggled making these work in sync with each other.

So, yes, I do have my struggles, I am a twice divorced single mom.  I have a son with autism and a daughter with special dietary restrictions.  I do have a great, albeit humbly paid career.  I have been through my fair share of trials with toxic people and their dramatic impact on my life.  Those stories will be coming out over time.  I want them to be told.  I do have a desire to not only be understood, but also to let others know that they are not alone.  It has been amazing to me, that as people learn of my stories, that they find it as a source of strength to them.

However, I don’t want to solely focus on what has built me to where I am, but also where I am going.  How am I handling those four quadrants of priority.  What do I do to be a better teacher?  What am I doing in the ways of becoming a good parent to my children?  How do I keep my home managed?  What am I doing to keep my life in order.  Lastly, what do I do to keep my sanity?  This has been a struggle for me as I see taking time for me or doing things for myself as selfish and an enormous amount of guilt consumes me as I take time to do something just for me, but I am trying to learn that it is ok.

I want to be me.  The real me and put it out there and own it.  I admire people that have, and I want to emulate their example.