I finally decided to humble myself and talk to the counselor that the bishop had asked me to see. The bishop did mention that he wanted me to sign a waiver stating that the therapist could call him and talk to him about what was going on. I thought that that completely defeated the purpose of going to a counselor. It is like as a kid confiding in the bishop only to have him conference call your parents afterward. I was NOT on board with that.
I called and explained my situation to the receptionist. She was a complete sweetheart. She told me how much she felt for me and how much she wanted to see me move on. She told me that her daughter had been in a marriage like mine. We talked for several minutes as to the best counselor for me to see. She recommended a name of a man who was very knowledgeable in the counseling of porn addicts and recommended I see him. However, for some reason the name rang a bell in my mind and I asked her to check to make sure that H wasn’t seeing the same person. I had recalled that he decided to start seeing one too. It turns out, he was seeing that therapist and I asked to be placed with someone else.
I went to go see this therapist on my assigned day. I am not too keen on her but, I am doing this just to go through the motions so that I do not look prideful to anyone and so that I can say that I have truly done everything that I can do. She is my age and has never been married. She is a cute girl but, I wonder how much she can truly appreciate my situation having never been married.
The first meeting with her was a disaster. I talked, cried, spilled my guts out to this woman who hardly said a thing. However, I do think that she did look at me asking herself why in the world I was staying with this guy who I apparently really couldn’t stand to be around. At the end of the session, she told me that she didn’t really know what to tell my bishop about the whole things since so much of it revolved around sex. However, she did give me one piece of really good advice. “Pray to desire the Lord’s will and pray that people inspired by God will come into your path.” I thought that it was cheesy advice and vowed to find a better therapist. Even my brother, a Ph.D. psychologist thought that it was a bunch of bull.
I left her office thinking that I could have had a better conversation with a duck or a wall but, knew that I was going through the right steps to ensure a better result with my pursuit of happiness.
However, I did decide to take her advice and I started praying for just that. I knew that I needed help and that I couldn’t do this alone. Miracles started happening.
I have been extremely concerned with funding a lawyer. All of our savings has been depleted and that bothers me. I am not sure where our money has even gone. In fact, I blew my lid with H over money big time right about this time.
I was talking to H about our tax refunds and where we were going to allocate the funds. He mentioned that WE needed to pay off his lawyer and court fees. First of all, NO WAY! He got himself into this mess. He can get himself out without taking away money from his kiddos. Then, it occurred to me that when the whole arrest thing went down he talked about cashing out one of his 401K’s to pay for the attorney fees. At that point I didn’t care and he told me that he was going to take out around $1800 to pay for his fees. We agreed at that point that he would put the money in a separate account and that it would be kept there for just that purpose.
He also mentioned that we would take a tax penalty for cashing out the policy early. I text him to ask him about the exact amount that he had taken out so that I could finish working on our taxes and he told me that he had taken out $3600. Double what he had originally told me. I flew off the handle. Then, I asked him how much more he owed to the attorney, $1800. So, in short, he took the money out and only partially paid his attorney and the rest of the 401K money is gone. GONE! So, now we were stuck with penalties on a 401K, money that had already been taken from the family budget to pay for his stupidity, and we were owing money STILL to different people. We were messed up in about 5 different ways. I LOST it! I am so tired of never knowing where the money goes and then told that I am the one that is over spending.
By this time, I knew that I needed to take the rest of the tax refund and get things done around the house that need to be done whether or not we have to sell it. We had to replace the A/C, clean the carpets, fix the garage door, etc. By the time those things were paid for there wasn’t much left. I was so concerned that the only thing holding me back from filing was the money. I didn’t have a reserve fund. Stupid me! My parents lent all of their savings to my sister to get her on her feet again and as much as they would like to help me, they couldn’t. I knew that I needed to do this but, had no idea how.
My friend J called me one day and asked me how things were going. I told her well. She told me that she and her husband were now in a position that they had never been in before. Her hubby had gotten a raise, she was finally working and they had more money than they had ever had before. Where before they could barely eek by with his paycheck, they were now better off than they had ever been. She told me that they had both been praying and felt very impressed to send me that retainer for the attorney. I argued with them telling them that I needed to do this on my own. However, her husband got on the phone and told me, “You are talking as though you have a say in this.” It was so touching. I have no idea how I would have paid for this had they not offered. I am only praying now that H doesn’t fight me too hard on this and that I don’t need to pay more money to the attorney to get it taken care of. However, if it does happen, I am sure that I will be able to figure someone out.