After I finally pulled myself together, I became calm and collected and looked at all of the things that I needed to do. While going through my depression and my anguish, I became very complacent in my marriage and put the divorce on the back burner. I stopped bringing it up. I stopped looking for signs. I stopped blaming others and put all the blame on myself. However, I did have an awakening and realized that I needed to move on.
I got a call from my good friend K and we chatted and she asked how things were going. I told her that I had lost momentum and that I felt like I was sliding backwards. She agreed and told me that she was concerned about the exact same thing. She was concerned that I had just decided to stay as things were and she was worried that I would end up letting H back in and eventually going back to the same old pattern of behavior. It was at this point in time that I became determined.
Up to this point, I had been praying to know IF I was making the right decision. The problem was not that I didn’t know IF it was the right decision. I knew that it was the right decision. I just needed to pray to have the strength to work through my decision and stick to my guns.
I took a long time to think about what I was doing and how it was going to affect my life. Yes, it is going to affect my life. It is going to affect my kids lives. It is going to affect H. However, there is a way to make it work. It is so good to do it now. I am realizing that now. I have been separated for 7 months. The kids are doing ok. The rest now is a piece of paper and two parents that agree to be amicable with each other. Now, if he wants to be nice, I don’t know. He may choose to be malicious. I do not know. However, if I were to take him back into the home, it would be disastrous. The Lord set this up for me to be able to get out.
The kids. The kids are going to be ok. They see their dad often and they do more things with him now than they have ever done before. He has become a stellar dad. Husband? Not by a long shot but, a really good dad. Their ages are ideal. N will notice but, she is a bit flighty and just rolls with it. As long as she is happy and playful, all is well. B is B. He is aware of the separation but, in his prayers he is now praying for daddy to return safely to grandma’s house. He has his own issues but, will be better in a home of peace and love instead of one of contention. T is the one who is most deeply impacted by the separation. He misses his dad a lot and that breaks my heart. However, he is very young and we separated before he turned 2. As I have been told, it will be much much much easier for the kiddos when they are young. Especially if we are able to keep a good smile on and be happy when we are together for the sake of the kids.
H. H will be better eventually. Here is why (and I am not trying to justify my actions): He wants to be in control. However, I am not a person that likes to be controlled. Sorry. I just don’t. I want to be and equal. Not a shield, not an employee but, and equal. He needs someone who needs him desperately and can’t live without him. Again, not me. The thing is he is a very hard person to live with because he is selfish, insecure and lazy. Those three things don’t go together well. I feel like I have been pulling him along as an anchor for our entire relationship and I finally have to cut him free in order for either of us to go where we need to go.
Plus, I am not nice with him. I hate that about myself. My friends have even noticed. I am snippy and snap at him when he is around. However, he grates on my like a cheese grater. If I am nice to him, he thinks that everything is hunkey dorey and that we are well on the road to eternal bliss. It is only when I am a bit cross at him that he realizes that there may be a little bit of trouble in paradise. Even then, he usually uses guilt and manipulation into getting me to do what he wants me to do. So, my point is this. He needs someone who is nice to him all the time. He needs someone who lives and dies by making his meals and cleaning up after him. Sorry. That is just not me.
Me. I would rather be alone and happy than married and miserable. I have realized through all of this that I am very motivated by guilt. It is a huge flaw of mine. I am a yes woman. I will say yes to just about anyone especially if I am guilted into something. For years I have put up with his terrible behavior because he has made me feel guilty and at fault for his mistakes. Everyone has noticed it but me. What in the world was I thinking?
So, in short, I am very much back on the bandwagon. It just took a bolt of lightening to do it for me.