I know that it has been two months since I wrote down anything here. I have been avoiding it. I needed some time to get through a lot of things and writing down every single incident has turned me into a bitter person. I get exhausted and I end up not wanting to write. However, I am learning that I must write things down so that years from now, if I need to rethink something that has happened, I can come back to this point and look things over. I know that up to this point the journal entries that I have found concerning my dating and married life have turned out to be invaluable. So… here is my last several weeks in a nutshell.
I took one of the evenings that H had the kiddos and went to a Relief Society teacher training. My mind was all over the place with a fight that I had just had with him. I could barely concentrate but, being around those women brought such a strong spirit and I just welled up. Afterward, I burst into tears over the cheesecake and cocoa surrounded by 10 staring women. I sobbed my stupid story to them and told them that I was getting ready to file divorce. They all turned to smiles and told me how much they loved me and how things were going to be ok. I was surrounded by women that were single or divorced and remarried. They all told me that they had known for some time and that they were waiting for me to bring it up. They put their arms around me and told me that it was going to be ok. Two of the women welcomed me to the club of divorced women. Ah, it was so nice to have someone to talk to.
A few days after telling H that I wanted a divorce, I got a call from the ward executive secretary. I was told that the bishop wanted to meet with me. I was scared to death. I have not received much support from him. I nearly didn’t make the appointment. However, I know that I am walking a delicate path and that I have to try my best to do the best that I can. So, I went in.
I walked in and sat down and the bishop said to me, “So, I hear from members of the ward that you and H are getting a divorce.” I told him that yes, I was to that point. He told me, “Well, I thought that you and I had made an agreement that you were going to go to counseling before you made that big of a decision.” I told him that I had called and that I had needed a recommend to go to the LDS Family Services place that he had asked me to go. He quickly whipped out his pad and wrote me a recommendation to go. He was not on board with me going to a therapist that I wanted to go to.
He asked me what was keeping me from moving things forward with my marriage. I told him that I had been praying about it for months. I have been trying to figure out the right decision. I told him that I have been trying to make the right decision for the right reason. I mentioned that I had been praying to know if it was a directive from my Heavenly Father or if it was pride. The bishop told me that he thought that it was my pride that was getting in the way. The problem that he doesn’t understand is that this is not an issue over pornography. It is not because H was involved in things that he should not have been into and that I am refusing to let him repent properly. That is not it.
The problem that I have is so deep and wide that it is impossible to explain in a matter of an hour with a bishop. It is impossible for me to explain to a friend over lunch. It is impossible for me to journal it. It is not just the pornography (which by the way, I have found out that he has been involved in since long before we married.) It is more than the lack of interest in me physically. It is more than treating me poorly when things do not go his way. It is more than selfishness, laziness and insecurities. It is more than his not wanting to trust me, love me or want to be with me. How do you explain feelings of complete inadequacies and inferiority to a man that sees on the other side H who is acting kind and docile and acting as though I am the one making waves? Remember that when H was caught with the internet stuff and I had to call the police, the bishop told me that “we must have pushed him too hard.”
I left the bishop’s office feeling terrible and that I was being prideful and arrogant. I felt like I was leaving for the wrong reasons. For the next two weeks, I felt like I was the worst person in the world. I don’t think that I have ever been that depressed. I saw all of my faults like a reflection in a mirror. They were right there staring me in the face. I felt like everything was my fault and that I was to blame for all of my marital problems. I was completely non-functional. I kept thinking that if I hadn’t done such and such that things would have been different. I was a complete mess.
It came time to start preparing my lesson for Relief Society. It was on Christ and I felt like I was the last person in the world to be preparing that lesson. My sweet sister came over to lend me a hand and to help me pull my ideas together. As we talked over the lesson and talked over the different things that I was struggling with, she had such amazing insight. She helped me to keep my eyes focused on the things that were real and consistent. She helped me by pulling in examples of how as women we tear ourselves apart for not being perfect. We compare ourselves to others and when we don’t measure up, we destroy ourselves. It was such a humbling experience for me to prepare that lesson. I recognize now that that spirit of contention and internal anguish was in fact Satan. It was very much an internal struggle between good and evil. I can honestly testify that I am doing every single thing in my life right now to be the very best person that I can be and that I am trying my very hardest to do the right thing for the right reason. I know that this is a gross misrepresentation but, I feel very much like that struggle was maybe a tiny taste of what Joseph went through in the grove that day. I know that I am nowhere near his caliber but, I think that Satan is trying very hard to get to me and make me feel guilty about the decisions that I am making because the decisions that I am making are very much the correct decisions.
For the lesson, I pulled together excerpts from general authorities, C.S. Lewis, Sheri Dew, and the scriptures as well as experiences from my own life. I don’t think that I have ever taught a lesson that has touched me so strongly. I cried a great deal during it which I am sure was not pleasant for the other sisters in the room. However, I know that the Spirit was there and I know that everyone felt it. I absolutely love my calling and know that I am there for a reason. Not so much to teach others but, to teach myself and help myself stay strong.