I have been stuck with writers block for years now. There is so much that I need to get out and express, but there is always something stopping me from doing so. I have a million ideas, thoughts, dilemmas and experiences that I want to journal. I have a list of things that I have wanted to put in print. However, every time I sit down to write, I freeze up. I get a couple of paragraphs into the post and abandon it. I have done this more times than I care to admit.
Tonight, as I have sat here, thinking of all of the things that I have wanted to write, I have written, deleted, uploaded pictures, made outlines, and then stopped as my mind couldn’t let me finish. I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what is wrong with me as I am not able to express myself the way I would like, and the way I used to. What has been my roadblock? What in the world is keeping me from writing what I feel, what I want and what I need?
It is funny how much effort and thought I had put into the blog for years and how much of a release it was for me for so long. Then I stopped. The bug has never left me to write, but the ability to do so has. So, in true Darci form, I have sat here for the last several hours and deeply analyzed every aspect of my blog and wondered what in the world happened to my writing outlet. Here are some things that I have come up with.
- I am always concerned about offending someone. That is a silly reason to stop a post, but I am a total people pleaser. I will get halfway through a post and realize that I may offend someone, so I try to reword it and then get frustrated and abandon the whole idea. That frustrates me because in my zeal to not step on toes, I end up losing my voice and determination.
- I feel that what I have to say has already been said and done and in a much better way than I could do it. With that approach though, I tend to negate my feelings and my viewpoints on life.
- I end up getting so philosophical in my thinking that it gets mucky. I am a person that looks for connections and metaphors. It is part of who I am and helps me understand life. I tend to explain things to others in that same way. However, half way though posts like that I feel like I am getting preachy and weird so I stop. I don’t want to be one of those “Luna Lovegood” people.
- I really like sharing my experiences and what I have been through. I have a lot of life under my belt. I have had a lot of unique experiences. I know that in some ways, my going through what I have, has helped others. Where I run into issues with this is that I don’t want to be overly negative and on the flip side, I don’t want to be falsely sweet. It is a fine line and I don’t always tread it well.
- Along those same lines, I have an underlying fear that someone involved in my past will read this and get offended or worse, angry, and take it out on me. I really hate that I edit my posts to those who have cared so little to stay in my life. However, it is a habit that I am still trying to overcome.
- There are days that I sit to write a post and realize that no one really cares to hear what I have to say about a particular topic. I start feeling silly that I am talking about something that either someone else knows so much more about or that I feel unqualified to talk about.
- Then, there are things that are really close to my heart and hard for me to talk about. I don’t like to admit when I am less than perfect. I am sure that no one expects me to be. Admitting weakness out loud is hard for me. I certainly don’t pretend to be perfect by any means, but sometimes putting it in writing for others to see and read, makes it too real. In the past that has given others ammunition for attack mode, and I do not enjoy that at all.
- I realize how mundane my life is. I stress over the fact that although I am the busiest person I know, and have a million things going on, that in reality, I don’t have much of interest to share.
- I have friends that run amazing blogs. I think that I keep wanting to get my blog to those levels. They take beautiful photographs of their homes, crafts, children or projects. They find beautifully eloquent ways to express their thoughts in uplifting loving ways to others. They have an incredible following and people share their posts and revere them as phenomenal men and women. I think that part of me wants to have that, and when I don’t meet that standard, I feel defeated and quit.
So, hopefully with this exercise, I can open myself up more to the blog that I am trying to create and enjoy. I need to let go of what it is to others and trying to get it to expand. I need to stop worrying about the ramifications of what others may think or feel about what I say, and write for the only person for whom this is important. Me. Once I stop trying to please others, I think I can be who I really am and what I want.