I have known for several years now that a hysterectomy was inevitable. I have had a really hard time coming to terms with it. I know that a lot of people are thrilled to finally go through with permanent birth control, but I have been very nervous about the whole thing.

I have a condition called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. It is basically internal varicose veins. They run rampant inside the body making blood pool on the pelvic floor causing severe pain. It is not dangerous but makes life very difficult. I have had several surgeries in the past to try to correct this condition. These procedures generally work with most women. However, they did nothing for me. My only options at that point were to be put into early menopause or to have a hysterectomy. Neither were excellent options.

I had the surgery planned for two years ago. I went in for some pre-op work including and ultra sound. Miracle of miracles, they found my little Toad. He truly was our miracle baby. I am so grateful that they did that ultrasound.

I rescheduled it for February of last year. I never quite felt comfortable with it and kept rescheduling my doctor appointments. I had several phone calls from people, out of the blue I might add, advising me to maybe take a bit more time before going through with the procedure. I listened and rescheduled only days before I was supposed to check in. My doctor was a bit annoyed, but you have to do what is best for you right. Well, the day that I was supposed to have surgery, my little Toad ended up getting RSV and landed himself a two week stay in Primary Children’s Hospital.

This time, things just worked themselves out. I have an incredible friend that lined up meals and carpools for my children. She also arranged for me to have someone at my house to help me with my children. My family kicked it into high gear and arranged for my brothers have come over nearly every day during their school breaks. My parents both took off time from work. Harvey’s boss told him to work from home and has allowed amazing flexibility with his work schedule allowing him to get the children dressed and off to school before leaving for work.

The morning of my surgery, was rather intense. I received several blessings and Harvey and I drove to the hospital not saying much. We just enjoyed the peace and held hands. I was the first on the surgery agenda which was good so that I didn’t have to obsess about it all day long. However, once I was taken back to start preparing, I was all tears. I cried the entire morning. Not because I was sad but just out of nerves. The cute nurse helped so much by telling me that a lot of women have that same reaction. I think that I had the hardest time when I had to sign a paper stating that I knew that I was going to be sterile. I have a terrible time with anesthesia and was scared to death about not coming out of it and not seeing my children again. I think that is where most of my nerves went.

My last surgery, my anesthesiologist gave me a medicine as I was leaving the waiting area. I remember being wheeled down the hall and having my eyes close, and my body become paralyzed but I was still able to hear everything around me. At that point, my airway closed. I couldn’t breathe but I was still completely aware of what was going on around me. Everyone was taking their time and the anesthesiologist was taking his time and talking to people as we walked down the hall. It couldn’t have taken very long but it seemed like an eternity. I remember thinking that I was going to die right there on the table and no one would know. The last thing I remember was my OB/Surgeon yelling at the Anesthesiologist and saying that I was a light weight.

Anyway, this time, after hearing that story, the anesthesiologist did things differently. I wasn’t put out until the very last second. They moved me to the operating room, taped my arms down and put my legs in compression boots all while I was awake. That was different.

Coming out of anesthetics was really rough. I went into convulsions and was thrashing around. My body temperature dropped and they couldn’t get me to respond. It took them a good portion of the day to get me stabilized. Then, the pain. By far the most painful experience I have ever had. I have never been so sick in my entire life. I am so grateful that I have complete trust in my doctor and that she is such an amazingly competent physician.

After having such an emotional, traumatic day, I was very grateful to have such a feeling of peace the next day. I kept thinking about the fact that I can never again have a baby. However, this time, I just kept thinking how grateful I was to have three beautiful, healthy, spoiled rotten kiddos. I am so lucky. Then I would think to how hard pregnancy was and be grateful that I never have to go through that again. Then, I would think about this world that I am trying to raise three kids in and I have no idea how I am going to keep them on a good and clean path. I don’t know if I could do it with one more. I am frightened to do it with three.

The last thing that was a bit of a relief knowing that I was going to be ok with the whole situation was when I heard the lullaby music at the hospital. The lullaby music goes off every time a woman has a baby. When I would hear it, I would just smile. I wasn’t jealous at all! That made my day.

You know, we all look forward to getting older, getting married and having a family. However we don’t really look past that. I remember how thrilled I was when Kyra came into my life and I was a mom for the first time. It was a whole new chapter. Well, I have now officially ended that chapter of my life. I clearly won’t be having more children. That was hard for a little while. Now, I am really looking forward to being out of diapers, travelling and enjoying my three beautiful angels….and getting to hold all of my friends and families baby’s!