Yesterday Kyra went to go play at a neighbor’s house after school. This is the first time that she has done this since we moved to the new neighborhood. It was a playdate that was semi planned by myself and the other little girl’s mother. I had mentioned it to Kyra, but forgot to follow up with the other mom. Kyra was so excited to go that it didn’t ever occur to her to check in at home first, so she surprised the mom with her visit. She is such a cute woman though and was just fine with the play date… now I am THAT mom. Oh well.
An hour after she got there, I went to go pick Kyra up. I had a chance to chat for a little bit with this mom. She told me that the girls had been talking and that the subject was brought up that they both felt like misfits. They had gotten themselves into quite the discussion as they were playing. Kyra felt like a misfit because of all of her food allergies and family circumstances and this other little girl felt like a misfit because of some other issues going on in her life. Apparently they were just chatting as through their feelings and talking as friends, not complaining, just expressing feelings.
As my friend told me this, tears welled up in my eyes. My heart broke for my daughter. I had not realized that she was feeling this way. Although they were not talking derogatory about these feelings, they were just expressing that they felt like didn’t quite fit it.
My mind flashed to how I have been feeling lately and that word hit the nail on the head. Misfit. That is exactly how I have been feeling about myself. I don’t know my place. I don’t know my role. I don’t fit in with the marrieds, I don’t fit in with the singles. I relate to both, but don’t quite fit in. I don’t own my home, I am renting… I don’t fit in with the neighborhood. I don’t know how long we will be here… I have a hard time putting down roots in the ward or school. I am brand new to marriage with someone new… I don’t know quite where my place is as a wife, mother, step mother… who comes first? Where do my needs fall. Misfit misfit misfit. I had gotten really comfortable as being the single mom in South Jordan managing life on my own and being in the comfortable nest that I was. However, shaking life up, giving my ex the house, moving to a new area, new school, new ward, new social scene, new husband, new life, new expectations… misfit misfit misfit. My struggle with my new life and where I fit in has really put me in a funk.
I suddenly felt so selfish. I have been having my own little pity party and feeling like a misfit myself. that I had no idea that my children could be having those same feelings. As much as I have been trying to get my children to be comfortable and happy in their environment, I realize that they are still having some issues. It has been so hard for Kyra to be in an area that is away from all that she knows. She has left behind her friends and her school mates. She has left behind her comfortable home and life there. She is struggling with her food allergies and having to retrain friends, teachers and people at school. She is troubled that she can’t have every thing that she wants. She does struggle that most of my time is focused on the boys who require a large portion of my attention or on things with the home. We still do things together, but not as much.
I once again feel like a bit of a crummy mom. I am simply not cutting it right now. I am not able to do all that I need to do to meet her needs. I know that she is getting older and that she will get to be more independent. I know that she will be able to handle more things, I just wish that I was a better mom. I need to focus more on what is good for them and not wallow in my own self pity.
So…. we made a valentines box to make all things ok. Well…. I did it because I really really needed a drop of awesome in my bucket and Kyra really needed a moment for her. It actually turned out really cute. I think we both needed this.