I come to times in my life where I spend an amazing amount
of time doing introspection and self discovery. 
I find that these times come when I am dealing with massive amounts of
stress or conflict.  They also come when
I meet someone who’s theories in life intrigue or challenge my personal
theories.  I like these times in my life
as they make me stretch, bend, analyze, flex and change.  I will admit, it isn’t always easy nor is it
always comfortable, but it is almost always beneficial and in some cases, life
changing.

 I don’t like
admitting to weakness in my life.  I am
not sure if anyone truly does!  I like to
think that my way is the best and that I am pretty awesome.  Then I come to a situation where I see
someone doing it better or in a different way and it motivates me to want to be
better.  There are times that I get
discouraged and overwhelmed when I feel such a huge gap between myself and
others that have these skills mastered, but I am trying with increasing vigor
to not harbor feelings of jealousy or defeat, but to realize that these people
have had a lot more practice at the skill than I have and its ok.  I am still learning.

I have been pondering as to why I am going through a growing
period right now.  What is going on in my
life that I am feeling the stretch and discomfort and?  This time, the answer is not so cut and
dry.  I feel a shift in the balance of my
life and I have spent many late nights, and sleepless nights examining the
whole of it.

I look at the relationships in my life.  What roles do I play?  How do I choose to fulfill   the roles that I have taken on in my
life.  Where do my beliefs and my values
lie.  What do I expect from myself and
from others. What efforts am I putting into these relationships, friends,
family, myself?  They are all important
and they all require care and nurturing. 
So, where is the balance and how do I manage that?

I have been so fascinated lately by my desire to do better
and be better.  It has been overwhelming
and sometimes discouraging, but overall, empowering.  I have looked at where I am and where I want
to be and see the gap.  There are days
that that gap seems unreasonably wide and impossible, but anything is possible
if we put our minds to it.  History has
repeatedly shown us that seemingly impossible things are in actuality, very
possible if we put in the time, effort and dedication required to bring to life
a vision.

I have a vision of me. 
I have a vision of who I want to be. 
I have a vision of what I want out of life and where I see myself in 5,
10, 15, 20  years and eternitites after
that.  Some times those visions seem
impossible as many of the decisions that I have made over the last nearly 40
years have brought seeming regression instead of progression.  However, so much of that is simply monetary
or worldly.   They are certainly
important, but on my last day living, are they going to be the things that I
care about, I think not.  I will not care
that at 39 I was renting a house instead of owning.  Will it matter that I had my house perfectly
organized every moment of every day? 
Will it matter that I was able to pull off an amazing science unit in my
class, but didn’t quite reach my goal of being a primo second grade
mathematician?  I dare say that it
probably will be of extremely little if not of no consequence at all.  On the flip side however, will it matter if
my children felt safe and secure and loved inside of their home?  Will it matter that I was an involved mother
who spent time with her children?  Will
it matter how I treated my friends and family, even if and when they were being
unkind to me?  Will it matter that I
chose on a daily basis to constantly be thriving to be calm and thoughtful in
my words, deeds and actions?  I
emphatically think yes! 

So much easier said than done though.