This is just a venting post so skip it if you wish 🙂 I would if I were you.
I am actually a bit embarrassed to post this. I know that I am a bit of a whiner and that in the grand scheme of life, this is all so trivial. I know that people go through things 10000 times greater than this. However, sometimes just have to get it out.
I am not a huge crier. I do occasionally when I am teaching an RS lesson and one of the principals hits home for me. Other than that, I am a pretty tough cookie emotionally. I didn’t used to be, but I think that it is something that I have been recently blessed with to help me cope.
However, last night, after tucking the kiddos in for the umpteenth time and ignoring the little pile of dishes in the sink, I resigned myself to bed. Lately, as soon as I have hit the pillow, I have zonked out. However, last night, I just laid there and thought about my already crowded plate and the new piece added to it yesterday and it just got to me, and I cried a little.
It hit me as to how many major issues, at least in my small myopic world, I am dealing with right at this moment. I could handle these things maybe if they were being handed to me one by one, but I feel like I am being asked to hold 18 beach balls at the same time, none of which I can drop. I honestly, just don’t know how to do it all.
*Divorce sucks rocks and I would give anything to not have to go through this. However, I do and there isn’t a way around it.
*I have to move. Maybe not for a few months, but decluttering, staging, packing and cleaning the huge house is no small feat. It is taking up so much of my time and energy that some days I wonder if I will even begin to see the smallest pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.
*The job market. Eight years ago, I was in a good place. I had a good job as a reading specialist and I was pretty good at it. I loved it. I had just finished my master’s degree in administration and had a job offer on the table to work as half time administrator half time reading specialist in the Granite School District. However, Nena was born the day I graduated and I made the decision to stay home with her. It is a decision that I will never regret. However, I didn’t keep my license current. I should have renewed last year, but I didn’t follow my gut and I let it lapse. Now, in order to teach again, I have to re-certify which means 200 hours plus a ton of fees and a Praxis test. In short, for me to get a job in teaching, it will take me at least a year of full time school plus several thousand dollars in fees and tuition to do that. I simply can’t do that at this point in time. Now, I am looking to see what I can do outside of education and it is scary. 🙂 I am trying to do what I can right now working from home with my sewing to help pay the
ever mounting lawyer bills and other fun necessities like diaper and paper towels. However, finding the time to do that sometimes has me grasping for straws.
*Potty training the Toad. Need I say more. Yes I could put it off, but why should I when I am at the moment home with him and he is interested in doing it.
*Criticism. For some reason, some people in my life find the need to criticize, condemn or judge all that I do. I am not perfect. I do not always make the right decisions. I know that there may be a better way of doing things. However, I am doing the very best that I can at this moment in time with the situations and tools that I have been given. I am not purposefully trying to overburden myself. I am not going through a divorce because I want to. I am not stupid and I am doing my very best. Sometimes, I just wish that people could say, “Boy, that bites. What can I do to help?” instead of, “You are doing it wrong.” or “That is a stupid decision.” I am in fact a mother who is doing everything she can to try to do the best for her children. I just wish that I could get some credit for that once in a while too.
*Lawyers. Without details, I am so tired of fighting and reading documents and trying to decide the best way to do things. Especially when I am completely lost in legal jargon.
*Being a good mom. I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good mom to these little
devils cherubs. They are the loves of my life and I would do anything for them. However, I often feel that with the above mentioned items, my children don’t always get the best side of me. I feel like so much of my time spent with them is working on homework, reading, running to doctors appointment, managing schedule, dance, soccer, spelling, medicines and treatments, volunteering at schools etc. It is hard for me to find time to just relax with them and be that mom that I wish that I could be and that I know that I could be. I have to keep reminding myself that it won’t always be like this and that if I can just endure a little bit longer, it will get better.
*Laundry and Dishes. My laundry pile never seems to grow smaller and my dishwasher has been broken since January. ‘Nough said.
*Organizing my time, home, life and calendar to accommodate it all. I am not the worlds most organized person. I can be compartmentally organized, but as a whole, I am not. This is one aspect that I am going to have to really truly work on.
*I do it all on my own. That is what bites the most.
With the addition of this new dietary restriction, it just got to me a bit. I could do this so much better if it was the only thing on my plate. However, it is not. So, I have to rearrange the plate to make everything fit. I can do it. I just sometimes get overwhelmed. However, I take comfort the scripture reference D&C 122:7, “…all these things shall give the experience, and shall be for thy good.” I hope that that is what is going on here. I hope that at the end of all of this, there is something that has made me stronger.
Now that I have gone off complaining about my life, I do have to say this. I am, and I am being honest, very grateful for my trials. I look around at my friends and others that I know, and I would never trade any one of them trials. I don’t know if I would be able to handle the things that you all have been through. I know that we are all supposed to learn certain things in life. It is through these trials that we learn. I had some very good advice last week that said, that this might be the only way that I could learn some of the lessons that I need to learn. I am grateful that I can learn them in this way rather than some of the ways that others have had to do so.
If you read this whole thing, first of all, I am so sorry! I had to get it out and I didn’t know how much was in there! Second, I am really fine, just thinking! Third Thanks and you certainly deserve and award for making it through!