Holy Cow! I can’t believe that I am actually writing this post. After 2 years and over $10,000 on my part alone, he signed. It didn’t go down smoothly, but it did go down.
He ended up having some extra days off this week (Tues and Wed) and asked me last week if he could take the kids to a local waterpark and spend the night. Here is the thing. He hasn’t had the kids overnight for 10 months. Before that, they only spent the night for about 3 weekends and they couldn’t handle it anymore. So, when I said yes to the extra time, but no to the overnights, he flipped. I was nice in my own opinion and told him that he could still take the kids on those days and I rearranged the plans and doctor appointments that I had made for them.
Well, as it would turn out, the waterpark got delayed a day so, on Tuesday, he didn’t have any plans and was scrambling to find something to do with them.
Earlier that day, I had called my attorney to find out the status of my filing. I was under the impression that he had already signed and that we were just waiting for the quit claim deed to the house to come through. While speaking to my attorney, she informed me that the papers had in fact NOT been signed and that his attorney was waiting for him to come in and sign them. He mentioned that he had read them and agreed to them, but just wouldn’t come in to sign I thought that they had been signed a few weeks earlier. I mean seriously, I signed mine 6 weeks ago.
So, I asked what the hold up was and if there was anything that I could do to help expedite it. She said that if I could get him in to sign them, that would be great. If not, court would be our only option.
Knowing that he was on his way to pick up the kids, I thought fast. In the past, I have offered to pay for his time with his attorney to sign the papers. I have offered to drive him there. Everything. This time, I figured that he had the whole day off, he had no plans, he was looking for something to do with the kids, he had verbally agreed to the stupid temporary terms and there was no reason that he couldn’t go in and sign them that day.
I scrambled and grabbed every single gift certificate that I had that he could use with the kids and I put them in a big envelope. He came to the door and before he could knock I went outside. I actually was really nice and told him that I wanted to help him out with the kids, but that he had to help me out too. I told him that all of the gift certificates could be his, I just needed him to take 45 minutes to run downtown and sign the papers. The kids didn’t even know that he was there yet and they wouldn’t mind watching cartoons for an hour.
He flipped and said that there was no way that he was going to sign the papers on his day off. He said that I was not going to bribe him to do it. He said that this is not what HE wanted to do. So, I told him that he was not going to be able to take the kids unless he signed the papers. I know that it was a low blow, but it was technically my day and I had given him my entire weekend the weekend before. I was not being mean. Not at this point at least.
He accused me of using the kids as pawns. He said that I was being unreasonable. He said that he would sign them on Thursday on his lunch break. He used the same old stuff that he has always used. He snarked another few comments my direction and then got in his car and left. My anxiety level hit the ceiling and I immediately felt guilty for forcing my hand, but I was certain that he was going to have those papers signed so that he could take the kids.
I called my dad and my dad was not convinced. He went back to his same old standby comment that I was going to have to take him to court, an option that I have been avoiding because of the $15,000+ price tag.
He returned an hour and 15 minutes later with a big manilla folder. I was sure that he had signed. He got out of the car and told me that he didn’t sign. He said that his attorney was in a meeting. I quickly debunked that because I knew that the papers were on his secretary’s desk and that he could just sign them. He said that he had additional papers in his folder. So, I asked him to go to a bank and have the notarized. He said that they were copies and he couldn’t. He came up with lie after lie and I lost it.
I knew that he had no intention of signing and that he was simply stringing me along. He has done this for the past 2 year, and then makes me feel guilty that I am doing this to him.
I had been up for the past three nights all night long because he fed my daughter food that she was allergic to and she had gotten severely ill. I had been up with a my three year old until 2 in the morning because he had seen a movie with his dad that scared him to death. And needless to say, I was NOT going to put up with his crap for one minute longer.
I lost it. I am really a pretty even keel person. I don’t like contention. I avoid it like the plague. However, I don’t know what hit me, but I flipped out of my socks and called him to the carpet. I told him that I was tired of the lies, the manipulation, the controlling attitude. I was tired of wasting money on him. I told him that if they weren’t signed today, that I would send it directly to court and that I had more than enough money to see it through and that I would win big (I don’t have it myself, but I have access to it.) He would lose the house and everything else that he wanted. I had several words escape my mouth that really, are not fit for a lady to say. I know. I was not myself.
He started pulling out the same old crap that he always says. He says that he has changed. He says that I am tearing up the family. He says that he is not lying to me. Then he says that he is not going to sign the papers today and that I “can just tell my boyfriend to wait until he is good and ready to sign.” WTH????????? Yeah, I have so much time to have a guy on the side while I am up every single night cleaning the house and taking care of kids that he has made sick.
That is when I went over the top and it took every ounce of energy that I had to not deck the man. I told him (don’t you love that I use the word told… screamed is more like it) that that was it. I am done. I no longer am willing to work with him. I don’t want to see him again. I don’t want to talk to him again. I don’t want to have anything more to do with him. Ever.
I know that that comment may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but I have tried to do things the right way and to avoid even the look of something questionable. Would I like to have had someone in my life. Absolutely. It is lonely being completely alone… and not even having the possibility of having someone there.
It was just a huge slap in the face because he is immediately passing blame. It is no longer his fault because his a controlling, lying jerk. It must be because I have a boyfriend.
Then, he denied that he said it. He denied it completely when I shot it right back at him. He then tried to tell me that that he just said friend. Oh my gosh, this man is seriously messed up!!!!
In the end, I let him take the kids because I didn’t want to punish them for his sake. I also didn’t want to make him into a martyr. I know that some may think that I let him win, but I really needed the time to myself and I wanted my kids to enjoy the day.
The next day I called my attorney and told her to prepare the docs for court. I had the papers in my email inbox by the end of the day (LOVE this new attorney.) She also apparently called his attorney and told him that we were preparing for court. I got out of the house yesterday, signed and notarized the papers and dropped them off at the attorney’s office.
About an hour after I returned home I got a call from my attorney’s secretary. She was on her cell phone in my attorney’s office. My attorney was on the phone with my EX’S attorney. Apparently the court documents did the trick and he went in to sign the paper. I had her double and triple check, since I was duped before. The papers will be back at my attorney’s office on Monday morning and I can sign the quit claim deed and the papers can be filed with the courts. I should be divorced in the next couple of weeks.
Now, my heart is at ease. I feel at peace. I am still disappointed in myself for losing it so severely, but I think that is the only way that things could have been signed. I am now a bit stressed over money and health insurance, but know that things will be ok.
Oh, and as a total sidenote that I will talk about in another post, I finally starting seeing a therapist. After talking to her about my marriage (and seeing her mouth drop open as I told her some of my stories) we concluded that he is definitely mentally whacked. She gave me some suggestions as to what he could be and I went home to look up some of these on the internet. I was stunned at what I found and how closely he fits a few of them.
I am including some links here and here if you want to read some things that made me think that I could have written these articles. I wish that I had known these things a year ago and I could have handled this whole thing better mentally, but I am just glad that I know them now.