Today I am frustrated beyond all comprehension and it is getting me to a severe level. So instead of being a huge Debbie Downer and blasting it over facebook or continuing to harass my coworkers with my life when they have their own things going on, YOU are going to be the lucky recipients of my rant. You are now free to click out and go browse Pinterest or Youtube 🙂
I tried exhaustingly hard to get my son’s IEP scheduled while I was off track. I mean I had three full weeks off! However, it didn’t work, so I had to schedule it during my on track time instead. I arranged to take a half day off yesterday (which is precious time as I don’t have many days off) to make it to his IEP at 3:00 because I don’t get out of school until 3:30 at the very earliest. I arranged for a sub, took half a day that I could have used elsewhere, planned for a sub and left early. I ran to the doctor’s office to retrieve his diagnosis sheet and filled out of all of his observations forms.
An hour after I left school, I got a call from the school psychologist at my son’s school saying that they weren’t ready for the IEP and needed to do a couple more tests and needed to reschedule the appointment. OH MY GOODNESS! I was ticked. I told him that I had taken half a day off to accommodate their schedule. He responded that he tried to call me with enough time to reschedule. NO! I had already taken the day off and gotten a sub.
So, not only did we not get his IEP done, I wasted a precious day off that could have been used for something real (once i run out of time off, I get docked $200 from my paycheck for each absence I use) AND it was half a day where really, there isn’t anything I can get done when I only have a couple of hours.
Post Graduate School Drop Out- NOT
I am in the middle of an ESL course for my job. I do not want to be taking this course this year. I did it so that I was able to keep the track that I was on to better accommodate my family’s schedule. I couldn’t think of a worse year for me to be spending time doing this. I left my house today, with my three kids on their own, to go to another class. I feel terrible that my family is taking the back burner so that I can put attention on my job. I do not get home until after the boys are in bed. When I signed up to do the classes, I was told that it was an easy year long course and that it wouldn’t interfere much with my life, beyond the classes. I am finding myself spending an insane amount of time away from my children and I see the negative results with my family.
Valentines Day is NOT My Favorite
I asked my kids dad yesterday if he would be willing to help me with Valentines and make a box for Kelton and help him fill out his Valentines. He was coming to get one of the kids anyway, so this was really no extra work on his end. His response was “You are better at that than I am so you should do it.” Geez, thanks. He did tell Kelton that he would bring candy for them. He brought by one package of Skittles…. one personal sized bag that you would find in a grocery store check out. Wow. That helped a ton. Thanks!
Finances Bite the BIG ONE
No one likes dealing with finances, especially me. I find the I am doing a LOT of financial clean up after having two failed marriages. I have learned to do it on my own, but as life progresses and the kids get older, expenses are creeping up quickly. I find that I am having to become more and more creative with how I get my bills taken care of. I am having to learn restraint, and separating needs and wants from the budget. I am learning to shop sales. However, this week kind of did me in. Two debts that I thought had been taken care of while married the first time somehow went undetected and hit in the last two weeks. While I was married, we owned rental properties that we sold and paid off all of our extra debt. Well, I thought that we had. Long story short, they weren’t. They were under his name, but I had cosigned. Now, because of default laws, I am responsible for the debts since he has not taken care of them. 10 years later. I am having to find a way to fit an extra $400 a month payment into my monthly budget. Yikes! There wasn’t that room to begin with. We are learning to live within a budget that is much tighter than we have ever done before. It is hard as I lay awake at night trying to figure out ways out of this hole.
My Love Hate Relationship With My Job
I used to love teaching, more than anything else actually. I loved watching the kids eyes light up as they finally “got” it. I loved being thought of as good at what I did. I went back to teaching three years ago. I was expecting an easy transition back into the classroom, but times and ways have changed substantially. Teaching is much different than it used to be. It has taken me a couple of years to feel like I am back to understanding and being on top of things. However, it is taking its toll.
I feel that all of my good energy is spent at school with the kiddos, that I love to death, but leave me drained and lethargic. I go home to my own children, who are my life and I love with all that I am and feel that they get what is left over, which usually isn’t much if anything. I hate that I spend the precious time that I do have with them doing homework, housework, appointments and everything else that one has to do when you are a working mom. I just get disappointed in myself that they are the ones that suffer, and I feel selfish any time I take time to do something that I want or for me, because my them time is so limited.
I am frustrated that I constantly feel like I am failing in my job. I put everything that I have into it, but feel my efforts are not only not recognized (not that they are anything stellar) but that I am constantly not meeting standards. I have put more effort into this job this year than I have ever put into my job before, and I am still feeling as though I come up short. I cringe each time I get an email from my boss because I am conditioned that it will be something negative. I end up staying in my room and getting things done just to avoid any sort of conflict. I know that sounds dumb, but that is how I feel. It is hard when I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Being single and working as a teacher doesn’t bode well for having a social life.
The one bright spot in all of this is that my students are great. I love them and I am grateful that this year, I have a class full of students that seem to love me. I have a good rapport with parents and they know that I am doing all that I can to make a good experience possible for their students.
I feel that my biggest frustration at the moment has been a theme throughout this whole post. I feel like I am failing as a mom. I am stretched so thin that I feel that my kiddos are falling through the cracks. That is the one area that I just can not let fall.