Do you ever have those days where you wake up and go DANG! Today is going to rock? Well, every I get rallied by my little troop of minions in the morning. We pow wow about how the day is going to go and that we are going to have an awesome day. We are each other’s cheerleading squad. It is kind of fun.
With the last two weeks of school being insanely chaotically crazy, pow wows have been short and not as inspirational. More like a banter of who can find Kelton’s shoes and who can get Kaeson out of bed for the umpteenth time today. It has been a series of days where I have missed my alarm and woken up 15 minutes before needing to leave and having three snoozing kiddos that are NOT in the mood to be up, dressed and out of the house in 10. Unfortunately, I have been late to work every single day over the last two weeks. Then adding back into the swing homework, extra activities and my “beloved” ESL course work, I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into a strange dimension where nothing is as it seems. s that are NOT in the mood to be up, dressed and out of the house in 10. Unfortunately, I have been late to work every single day over the last two weeks. Then adding back into the swing homework, extra activities and my “beloved” ESL course work, I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into a strange dimension where nothing is as it seems. It got overwhelming, but it always does those couple of weeks and I was just FINE.
So, when I awoke, I looked up at the ceiling, smiled and said, “DANG! Today is going to ROCK!” I was officially off track. I had finished putting all of my test score into the electronic grade book. I had packed up my classroom. I had prepared for the first few weeks back on track. I was ready to spend time with my kiddos and enjoy the stuffing out of the next three weeks!
I had a long list of want to do items on a list that I have been compiling for a while savoring the thought that I was going to be able to do them starting the moment I had my first vacation day. Organizing projects, cooking projects, sewing projects, exercise projects, Netflix projects and sleeping projects 🙂
And then it hit! REALITY! Yeah, reality and I don’t always get along. I have a perfect vision of how it should be, and my reality just refuses to see things my way.
So, what might have happened you may ask? Oh, I am so glad that you did, because I was going to tell you anyway. I will delete the graphic details for those that are sensitive to whining.
Well, I soon as I opened my bright shining eyes, I looked around, stretched and smiled. Good day! I sat up on my bed, dangled my feet, wrapped my robe around me and stood up to begin my awesome first day off…. just on top of the corner of a Lego. Yep, my day STARTED OFF by stepping on a lego. I, of course, immediately fell to the floor in pain. Well, not really, but I wanted to. It was one of those ones where it would have been less painful had the Lego actually punctured the skin.
I went on to look at my texts. I had been trying to get a hold of a friend to make plans. I knew that my texts and messages had gone ignored and I wasn’t sure of the reason behind it. Being the extremely straight forward (somewhat too much) I called it out. If there is one thing I don’t handle well, it is lack of communication. I can handle answers and issues, but lack of communication is the one thing that drives me over the top. I said that I had been trying to get in touch, but was being ignored and it was bothering me.
That one text led to a very spitefully written return text. The text that was sent to me abruptly ended our friendship and it threw me for a huge loop as I saw it coming out of nowhere. Where I immediately tried to rectify it, apparently I had hit a chord and our conversation was done for the day. In those situations, I don’t know how to react. Part of me wants to swiftly work it out and try to make sense of it, the other part wants to run away. Where my end of the conversation was being ignored, there wasn’t much I could do. Unfortunately, it sent me flying into a PTSD panic and brought back issues that I have been trying to deal with and resolve within myself. That whole scenario sent me sinking into a low that I hadn’t felt in a long time. However, when my kids asked, I was FINE.
About an hour or so later, I heard a knock at the door. That always surprises me when that happens (I know… who would EVER come to the door) as very few people know where I live and we have just started getting to know some of the people in our neighborhood. I looked out the window and saw what looked like my kids’ dad car. I opened the door surprised to see not him, but another man who knew my name and a few other things about me. That isn’t want I want to see when I open the door, well unless it is Christopher Meloni or McDreamy, then that is OK.
The man was very nice and almost apologetic. He handed a handful of court documents. Oh hell. I was being served. Turns out it was a financial issue that I thought had been taken care of from my previous marriage, but my ex didn’t take care of it, so it is now not only landing on my shoulders, but on my shoulders with a HUGE thud. I all of a sudden felt well below water and had NO idea how I was going to get out of this one. My head was spinning and my kids asked me… Mom, what’s up… I answered, “Oh nothing. I’m fine. I’m just fine.”
From there, what do you do? I couldn’t focus on one task an felt instantly overwhelmed with all of the balls that I had flying in the air. A couple of weeks I sat down and worked out a budget. I spent four years in college and 2 years in grad school getting a masters so that I could bring in the HUGE bucks that teaching offers. My finances have changed drastically over the last few months and I have had to figure out where my money is going and how I can keep from getting financially stressed every month. That is another post for another time, but suffice it to say that the prospect of this new development to my already heaped up plate put me into a state of dismay. No worries. I will figure it out. I always do.
I then got went to retrieve the mail. Inside was letters from the junior high school and the high school. Registration for the new year is coming up and I assumed that is what it was for. Oh, it was. However, one of the letters from the school was informing me of Kyra’s current status of missing assignments and her grades. I check skyward and get notes signed from her teachers, but apparently I am missing things somewhere as what I have been thinking is her status is definitely NOT her status. I am confused, overwhelmed, perplexed and just beside myself as to what to do. I honestly feel like I am doing everything that I can do to be a good mom, but it isn’t working. I know that I need to revamp some things, but how and when do you do that when you work a full time job AND are going back to school again… AND have to share your family with their other parent.
I went to bed on Saturday night feeling discouraged and depressed. I can’t stand having contention with friends. I had text and called, but had received no response. I laid in bed for hours thinking what to do to balance out what was going on in my life. How was I going to increase my income, which is really impossible with my career without getting a second job? How was I going to teach my children responsibility and motivation? How was I going to handle these new legal issues that had not dropped onto my shoulders? How was I going to manage being a good mom all the while going to school and working? Oh, the energy that that worrying consumes is insane.
Sunday I woke up with a massive migraine headache. I get headaches often, but migraines to this extent are rare. Light, sound and sound all affect me. I was trying to get the kids up and ready for church. I did most of it with my eyes half shut. I got them off, but wasn’t able to pull myself together in time to do it. Hot packs, caffeine and migraine meds got the edge off eventually.
Later that afternoon I got a follow up text from the friend from the day earlier. It escalated to be a huge whose fault was it. I hate hate hate that I got sucked into that. I try really hard to not throw cutting words and take blame where I see it, but I am sure that I am not perfect with it. From my end, I came away with the fact that I shouldn’t expect responses in any sort of immediate nature, even though until just a week earlier, they had always been very swift to return a text or message. I also learned that I am not measuring up in that even though I am busy, there are LOT of people out there that are busier than I am, but are still able to fit things into their lives. I felt the ignored and punished. I am sure at this point, I was not responding at my best, but I was just done. I just kept thinking, I know that I am not as busy as a LOT of people are, but for me, it is a lot. I felt thrown back into PTSD mode and immediately went from feeling down to feeling completely and utterly inadequate.
I do not like feeling that way. I am sure that that wasn’t the person’s intention, but it took me back to a time in my life where that was the norm. Even though that part of my life is behind me, I still have scars. I try really hard to not them affect me, but sometimes they do. I am trying extremely hard to separate those feelings out so that they are not directed towards people that don’t have anything to do with my past.
I had to have a long breather last night where I just sat back and took it all in. I can not change my situation. I can not make my problems go away. So, what do I need to do to solve them? Unfortunately, there isn’t a magic potion or a secret recipe to making life easier. It does make me step back and say, OK this isn’t working. I can’t keep looking at my life and saying, this isn’t working without doing anything about it. Now, I have to figure out WHAT I am going to do so that it can start bettering. It is something that I am not good at, but I am going to try.